Creative Conundrums #3: Dictionary or Gut?
A Writer's Corner series dedicated to challenges and worries throughout the creative process, doubts, queries and everything in between.
Welcome back to Creative Conundrums by Writer’s Corner! As promised, this week’s topic is different in that we are not interested in the ins and outs of Substack and other writing platforms, or the pros and cons of letting your written creations live in one place.
Today’s theme is language. We will concentrate on our trepidations (read between the lines: my trepidations) when handling some of its components, especially now that we (read between the lines again: I) have put ourselves (yup, myself) out there.
If you are unfamiliar with what we do in this series, the only way to find out is by reading further (and / or, which I encourage, acquaint yourself with the previous two entries: Creative Conundrums #1: Streamlining or Diversifying? and Creative Conundrums #2: Individual Publications or Publication Sections?).
As is now habit, before we turn our focus to the matter at hand, I would like to extend my thanks to the people who have subscribed to my newsletter in the last week. While it is not about numbers and I am not drowning in subscribers — far from it — it is encouraging to converse with many of you about your creativity and my own. The discussions supply me with food for thought and I am hopeful they do the same for you. New friends, welcome to Writer’s Corner!
What is Creative Conundrums?
“What is Creative Conundrums”, you ask yourself. It is a series - if someone has a finer term for it, I would steal it in a heartbeat - dedicated to questions of creative nature, worrisome thoughts, plaguing insecurities, and day-to-day challenges that I wrestle with.
Over the years, I have realised that much of what we often consider to be unique to our personalities, for example the tendency to be indecisive, or circumstances, say our education background or job, resonates with others louder than we have ever imagined.
Creative Conundrums will, therefore, serve two purposes:
Aid me in un-baffling myself through endless rambling and mind backflips, and
Provide solace to you in the realisation that you are not alone in your troubles (Fingers crossed, sound practical advice will be a welcome by-product).
Preface completed, let us meet the third Creative Conundrum.
Creative Conundrums #3: Dictionary or Gut? Context
English is my second language. My mother tongue is Bulgarian. To any fellow Bulgarians, who may be tuning in, I say: “Здравей, как си приятелю / приятелко? Как, добре ли я караш?”.
The immediate surroundings, throughout my childhood and adolescence, were defiantly Cyrillic; defiantly Cyrillic in the refusal to adorn — or shame, depending on your perspective — road signs with the Latin script, for example; an old-fashioned map, it was for any tourists in the early 1990s. Whilst the modus operandi has changed — we discuss my age further down — and I am proud of our alphabet and language, the Latin script and other vernaculars were not abundant in the Bulgaria I grew up in.
Having said that, I was lucky. Deep in my heart, I have always known I would like to speak English. My mum had learnt it as a student, back in Socialist Bulgaria, when fluency in foreign languages was not a thing. She shared stories about the English Language High School she had attended — for which she had to move to another town at the tender age of 14 — and encouraged me to pursue a similar path. By the time I was six, I had pledged that ‘one day I will be better at English than you’.
My first ‘proper’ — but simultaneously very basic, must I add — encounter with English was when I was eight years old; I had signed up for an extracurricular course. A picture of the teacher and my classmates inhabits an old photo album, a part of a large collection in a memorabilia drawer in my parents’ flat. The writing, a white message on the blackboard — in front of which we are standing side by side, and grinning — reads ‘Marry Christmas’ …
I was 11 when I started regular English classes at Secondary School. They continued until I was 13, and largely centred around bananas, computers, dogs, and ‘I go to school every week’. The breakthrough in my English-learning mission came when I turned 14. A copycat of my mum, I was accepted at a Language High School (in my day, Language High Schools offered multiple languages, whereas in my mum’s youth, one school specialised in English, another in French, etc.). Fortunately for moi, the education institution was in my hometown and I could stay put. It was there that my learning truly began. I went on to sit First Certificate in English and Cambridge English Advanced exams, aged 15 and 17, respectively.
A mere two months after graduation, I left Bulgaria to study in The Netherlands. My course was entirely taught in English. During my studies in the low lands, I also completed a semester abroad and a work placement in the UK; I lived in London for the duration of my MA. I have been continuously living, and working full time, in the UK since 2014.
What I am trying to articulate, with this boring CV recital, is that English is the language I do my thinking in. What, then, is the problem?
Creative Conundrums #3: Dictionary or Gut? The Actual Conundrum
Back story in mind, I have labelled myself fluent in English for a considerably long time, given I have been communicating in it, almost exclusively, since that fateful graduation at the age of 19. Throughout the X number of years from then to now (to do the Maths, you can find out my age in my Introductory Post), I have not ever, if I am honest, questioned my fluency. If anything, it is Bulgarian which I find increasingly difficult, specifically whenever I attempt — and fail — to explain the demands, roles and responsibilities, of my corporate job.
Discovering the desire the write has been splendid. However, since I have been gravitating towards pen and paper, something else has commenced. I am in disbelief, but I have started — from time to time — questioning my knowledge of English. I second guess myself. I would write a word and intone, in my head or out loud: ‘Is that correct? Does X really mean Y? I had better check’. It turns out I am right, but I repeat the exercise when doubt ultimately wins. It seems to creep in when I write my Flash Fiction pieces.
This is an alien experience for me and, I must admit, I am not a 100% sure how to deal with it. H-E-L-P! I should, perhaps, listen to my gut — the gut always knows — and ignore the voice telling me that I had better be certain of my vocabulary. ‘Your gibberish is now available for the rest of the world to consume and critique’.
Creative Conundrums #3: Dictionary or Gut? Your Thoughts
I appreciate this subject may not apply to native speakers (or am I being presumptuous?), but I open the floor to you, my friends. Any insight will be gratefully received. I ask you to get chatting — with me and others — in the comments section.
A few questions to help you along the way:
Do you ever second guess yourself, either in the use of your grammar or vocabulary?
Do you brush the nagging sensation under the carpet or do you take out your old school books and a thick dictionary?
Does this make you question your right to call yourself a writer?
How time-consuming, if at all, is ensuring a word means exactly what you think it does (especially if you are employing it as a metaphor)?
Do you avoid foreign (to you) grammar structures or do you see your uncertainties as an opportunity to learn? Do you invest time in (re)visiting grammar rules?
I'm a native English speaker and never learned proper English grammar at school apart from what a noun, verb, adverb etc is. I learned more about English grammar through studying other languages than I ever did in English class. I ended up taking an online grammar course to learn and to make my writing more technically accurate. For me, that's important. I want to be right! So I think because I have come to this (a lot) later in life there are many rules I'm not always clear on and I do second guess myself. Sometimes I'll go and check, other times, depending on what it is and who the audience is, I'll let it go if it sounds right.
Thanks, Siya, I really enjoyed reading your insightful post. Doubt is a big issue with writers isn't it? Always that doubt that you're creative 'enough' and then the linguistic gymnastics of grammar and punctutation, which add on another reason to not press 'publish'. We could fight it for years.
Your English skills are great. Your language flows and captivates. Thanks for sharing.